Learning to Identify as Poly

In “Bisexual Realization,” I mentioned a woman named Molly who had invited me to her home for dinner and some hot tub time with herself and her husband, Mark. That was the night that I was introduced to polyamory.

I was given an adult beverage and climbed into the tub. I sat in one corner and they sat opposite me. After a bit, they told me what they were looking for. Mark asked if I knew what “polyamory” was. I didn’t so he explained that it literally meant, “multiple loves” and that it was being in a relationship with more than one person with equal love for the multiple partners. I was told about the basic poly formations. What they wanted was a triad, a three-person closed relationship with equal love between all partners, no jealousy. I said that it sounded very Utopian and they agreed. However, with love going in all directions there was no need for jealousy, so it was very possible.

JealousyThis was the beginning of my first ever bisexual relationship and first ever poly relationship. Yep, no tiptoeing in the water for me. I jumped right in.

Things with Mark and Molly did not work out though. After that, I let loose. Had some threesomes. Dated a married poly woman. Despite all this, I never considered myself polyamorous. I felt that described a type of relationship rather than myself.

Fast forward many years, I come across Polyamory Weekly and I start listening to some of their past podcasts. It was through hearing others stories
and opinions and hearing the information given that I realized I barely had a basic understanding of what a polyamorous relationship was. I learned a bit more about what I wanted in a relationship and it was not to be tied down to one person and it was not to be tied down in a triad. It was not to be tied down at all. (Well, not not at all, but that’s a story for the kink section. 😉 ) I had gone through the giving up of so much of me and my life and I will never do that again. For me, there is no one worth that.

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Meeting someone who wants to share in my life though and lets me share in theirs, that is probably something I could get on board with. That kind of relationship is not something that can only be found with one person. It can be found with many. This Kimchi Cuddles (please check out the comics there! So spot on!) comic says it well:

polyamory-comic

That is what led me to finally consider myself polyamorous and to own it. I am not interested in dating right now and I don’t know that I ever will be. But I know if I do it will be with a better understanding of myself and the partner(s) I choose to be with will be better matched because of that fact.

 

 

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“P” Is For Polyamory

The “P” in BPK stands for “polyamorous.” Most people nowadays are becoming more familiar with the term due to it being mentioned in movies, television shows, and by celebrities. However, most still don’t understand what it really means. This has led to some misinformation and confusion making its way into the masses.

What is Polyamory? (and what it isn’t!)

In its most basic definition, polyamory is the practice, state, or ability of being romantically involved with more than one person. Now let me tell you what polyamory is not. It’s not swinging or swapping. The majority of the time (not all the time, but generally) swinging and swapping are specifically about sexual encounters. Polyamory is about a romantic connection, a real relationship, with other people. This goes beyond sex.

It’s not “being a playa.” Bouncing through people and not caring who comes or goes is not being polyamorous. That’s just being a dick.

It’s not cheating. It’s not even “ethical cheating” which is the most ridiculous oxymoron I have ever heard. Ethical non-monogamy is the correct term. Cheating is not a good thing. Have you ever heard the word “cheating” used in a positive way? Well, I mean, there is “cheating death,” but death is getting screwed in that one, isn’t he?

DeathCheating in this context means that a person in a relationship is engaging in a secondary relationship without their significant other being aware. With polyamory, informed consent from ALL parties is necessary.

Just to recap, polyamory is a romantic relationship between multiple people with informed consent from all involved.polyamory

As with most things regarding sexuality and relationships, there is no “one way” that polyamory exists. It could be a closed relationship among three people or open to become a “polycule.”

To the right is an example of a polycule. This illustration is from Kimchi Cuddles (which has the BEST illustrations of poly situations! Please check it out!). There are some polycules that may only be a few people and some that could potentially have more than shown here.

I wanted to mention a resource that really helped me and if you want to know more about poly it is absolutely a great source of information. That is the Poly Weekly Podcast. They cover a lot of useful information in a great format.

If anyone has any questions, feel free to comment them or you can message me on The Writing Mama Facebook page or send me a tweet on Twitter.

 

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“B” Is For Bisexual

Growing up, I never really had an education about sexual identity. There was man and woman. Gay, bisexual, trans, queer…none of that it existed. It wasn’t something that was normally discussed. Eventually, I learned there were gay men and women in the world. I saw no problem with this though my family’s religion said it was wrong.

As I grew into sexual maturity, I noticed what kinds of things excited me. A female’s naked form was on that list. However, I never had any interest in any girls I had ever met like I had boys. Therefore, I wasn’t gay. I was straight. These were the only two options that existed in my little world. My attraction to the female form was just something weird about me that I kept as a shameful secret since I was raised that it was wrong.

 Finally, I came across the term “bisexual.” However, the definition I was given on that was “liking both sexes equally.” I did not have that equality. One was not the same as the other to me. Men were my desire, despite what I thought about women. Therefore, I still identified as straight.

Life goes on and then one day, I receive a message on a social site from an attractive woman. I’ll call her “Molly.” She complimented me and asked about possibly meeting. I politely thanked her and informed her that though I was flattered, “my preference is men.” I didn’t even think about the way I worded that until she wrote back.

She said that men were her preference, as well, and that she was married to one, but that she liked girls, too. She said she was bisexual.

My mind exploded.

What? How was that possible? I was so intrigued and said so. I had seen the term bi-curious around and suggested that it may describe me. Molly invited me to come over to their home for dinner and a dip in their hot tub. I could meet them, get to know them, and they could answer any questions I had.

I rarely met people from online in person due to the dangers and when I did, it was always in a public place. Despite all this, I agreed.

I spent a lot of time reading about bisexuality between then and when I went to meet them. I learned that a preference for one sex or the other was not uncommon, but that it didn’t make a person any less bisexual. A preference did not negate the attraction to the other sex. I finally realized I was bi. It did not scare me or make me nervous to adopt the new term. It was just correct and I no longer felt ashamed of my attraction to women. They were people out there just like me. My abnormality was normal and nowadays I do have bi-pride. I don’t hide it. It’s just me and that’s okay.

Bisexual PeopleBisexuality ExplainedBisexual And All There Is To It

 

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