Submissive Suprise

Have you ever been minding your own business when all of a sudden a huge self-truth hits you? This happened to me yesterday and it has caused me to have a lot of questions, confusing thoughts, and to do lots of research.

Let me start with a few bits of back story that leads up to this realization.

History-BDSM-4Bit 1 – I mentioned in “K Is For Kinky” that I prefer a dominant man and in “Rape Fantasies – Am I A Psychopath?” I referred to myself as a natural submissive. I referred to myself as such since I do not partake of the BDSM lifestyle. My submissive quality is simply something that is in me, not something I wanted to form into a lifestyle.

Bit 2 – For people who know me, there is a man whom I absolutely idolize. He’s a business icon and runs his world very well. Considering my appreciation for a man in power, it was no surprise that my adoration of his talents and business prowess grew to attraction.

Bit 2.1 – Through a suggestion from a friend to watch a b481a546b21809f38aaababfbe0d8a74particular television program, I was exposed to another savvy businessman. His talent and intelligence were enjoyable attributes, but I wouldn’t have said that I found him attractive at that point. Apparently, I didn’t know myself very well because my subconscious provided me with a highly-detailed and extremely erotic dream starring that man. I woke up surprised to say the least. This is a man that is twenty-four years my senior, but it didn’t matter. If anything, that gap just seemed to add to the idea of him as an authority figure for me to obey. That nighttime dream led to many a daytime fantasy that always led to me asking, nay, begging him to make me his.

So all that happened and then yesterday, for completely unrelated reasons, I wanted to change my Twitter profile header to something a bit more on the naughty side. I had a few dirty quote pics on my comp, but none fit well in the space, nor portrayed what I wanted. Naturally, I turned to Google Images to find what I wanted. I went through a multitude of searches, saving various things I liked, not necessarily for my Twitter header, just things I liked in general. After a bit of this, I went through some of the things I had saved. One particular picture spoke to me.


In my mind (perhaps because my thoughts as of late had been along that line), this seemed to be a Dom with his sub. I liked the fact that it was black and white. For some reason black and white pics can make naughty things seem very elegant.










In my continuing search for a header, I Googled “black and white image bdsm.” This led to some absolutely exquisite pictures (see above), but also a lot of information. That were a lot of quote images that came up, explaining the Dom/sub relationship. A lot of it were things that I kind of knew, but until that moment I never really connected with it.

Through that whole process, I realized that was what I wanted. I could feel it like a pull inside of me and it was both exciting and terrifying all at once. Thinking about it as a possibility made my stomach do flip-flops. I couldn’t understand at what point I went from feeling like a natural submissive to wanting to be the girl kneeling on the floor and giving everything of myself to make a man happy. After a day of thought and research, I think I know why it is something that I desire and the only relationship I can imagine myself in now.


Yearn For A MAnIf you read “Dating Is Not For Me (For Now)”, you know that I have major issues with trust. I have been lied to, lied about, gaslighted, manipulated, and used. The last situation…I can think back on it now and see that my actions towards the end of that were actions of desperation, but not to be with that man. I just desperately didn’t want it to be proven that I once again had put my trust in someone I shouldn’t have. I had battled with myself over trusting him to begin with, but then I went ahead and did it. When I finally realized that I had been wrong about the kind of man that he was, I was devastated. Again, not because I wanted to be with him that badly, but because I lost all ability to trust. I have not been able to even consider having a relationship since because of that.

It makes my desire to be a sub seem a little oxymoronic. fa012b6238a8d858b14c4c92d5628a34The number one thing needed for that type or relationship to work is the sub’s complete and unwavering trust in the Dom. How do I get there if I cannot trust? Getting to that is not the point though. Just the idea that there could be a relationship where the trust is absolute, where the sub knows the Dom will never hurt her (more than she likes), will protect her, make her feel safe, make her feel wanted, adore her, cherish her…and the sub can just relax into that without worry. For someone who cannot trust, of course the idea of a relationship centered around trust and that trust constantly being proven in every action and interaction would be an absolute miracle! To just give yourself over without fear…it must be amazing and incredibly freeing.


As psychology has shown numerous times, woman who grow up without good father figures tend to like to find e5c0e55b98f344191ee6da616c8b8594surrogates in their adult life. This is not true of all people; it’s just a commonality they have found. In my childhood, I had a shitty father figures. My biological dad got remarried and his new wife was irrationally worried that he would want to get back with my mom if they were in the same room together. My mom divorced him because he molested his parent’s foster child. They got along for my sake, but reconciliation was never going to happen. He chose to keep his new wife happy though at the price of never seeing his own daughter again. My mom’s second husband ended up molesting me. So, yeah, I never had that man in my life who was always there for me, showing me how a woman should be treated, threatening the boys who wanted to take me out. I am envious of the girls who had that. I am not surprised if psychology is right on with me and I’m trying to find that male authority figure to care about me, to choose me, to promise my safety.

Now I know what I want and I know why I want it. I am not25c6fbdb9fa480903eb88e0d07c3cdc8 saying this will be what I want for eternity. After all, this was a self-discovery and there could be others in the future, but I am confident in that desire. I am not ashamed of it though I know others may find it odd. Everyone has their own limits. I am still not going to go out and actively look for another person. However, if one stumbles into my life I will be able to react accordingly. Until that point though, the creativity of my imagination is second to none so I can have a plethora of fantasies about being a sub to the businessmen I am so fond of. 😉







Below, enjoy a smattering of some of the pics I came across and loved.



downloadtumblr_inline_nbhwlmUuQ31ruzdmz04bc7d913b8791be6dee223cccb3287e 38867441ad4caecbfe4fdc6fed9d7a4dba5411288e50884bcd2ee9f36cef1b57f53abe9d7d861435b38069bfde2d19d19443edd747a7aac5127be5f9918632d78c129465200821284fcdedf34a851a002cd0f7c3c0a655034b5b6b9dec262ad5

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Protection for Others Is Not Assault

I was reading an article and came across this line spoken by Robert Katz, a law professor at Indiana University’s Robert H. McKinney School of Law:

“The law came as part of a larger attempt by people who felt under assault by growing legal protections of same sex couples.”

I’m not going to talk about the article (though I will include a source at the bottom of the page for those interested). I am not going to discuss Mr. Katz or the law mentioned. It is that single line that made me stop going through the article and read it again. I mean REALLY look at it.


What the law states is irrelevant. The fact that it’s a law is irrelevant. Replace the words, “The law,” with”The Death Ray” or “The puppy” and it would still be in regards to what I want to say. What made me slam my water back on the nightstand and start writing this, despite my killer headache is this part:

“…people who felt under assault…”

Just in case anyone is unaware, “under assault” means “being attacked.” People who are attacked are victims. Therefore, there were people who felt victimized, but by what?

“…by growing legal protections of same sex couples.”

Same sex couples were being denied rights that all people of this nation are supposed to have. They were suppressed. They were victims. In order to stop them being victimized and allow for them to be treated like anyone else, laws were put into place to protect their rights, to make sure others could not discriminate against them or deny them their constitutional rights as Americans, based on their sexuality.

Now, here it is…the protection given to those people made other people feel attacked. Think about that! Let’s use an example! Have you ever watched MythBusters?



The show was set-up to test myths and either prove them as true or debunk them, all in the name of science. Sometimes these tests were extremely dangerous and involved blowing things up or the potential for things to explode. In those instances, extreme precaution was taken and the guys always took shelter. The thing explodes and they were safe behind their little set-up.

mythbusters-summer-2011-pictures6Who was affected by the act of the men taking shelter? Themselves. They were able to not be blown to smithereens. This also affected those who cared for them because it’s always devastating to lose someone you care about.

Did anyone ever watch the show and say, “Hey! These guys are safe! What the hell? I feel personally victimized by their desire to not be blown to smithereens, despite sharing that desire for myself, as well!”

Tell me you hear the stupid in that! The hypocrisy, the narcissism, the selfishness, the self-righteousness. All overwhelming.

If I am standing there with a shield and someone else gets a shield, too, I cannot imagine feeling attacked by that person getting the same protection I have.

If you are one of the people who feel that way, get off your AMERICA-FUCK-YEAH!-T-Shirtsdamn high horse, you pretentious asshole. You are not special. You don’t get too deny others the same rights you have just because you want to hold onto some outdated idea that there are people who are lesser than you. In America, we all get the same rights regardless of anything.

End of story.


Source: Article



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The First Time I Was Scared After Telling Someone I Was Bi

Once I realized I was bisexual, there was never any shame in it for me. I was never scared of telling people. I was happy in accepting that as part of me and I never bothered to hide it. I mean, I wasn’t walking up to new people like, “Hey, I’m Crystal and I’m bi. How are you?” However, if it was brought it up in normal conversation I was always open about it. Being a bisexual woman has always been more socially acceptable than other orientations and I had never had a negative reaction.

PulseSeeing what happened at the Pulse Night Club in Orlando reminded me of what it is like to be scared. It reminded me of a night where I met a guy named Rick*.

I was at Walmart and I noticed this guy seemed to be stalking me from the other side of the aisles. Finally, as I stopped to look at the hair color he came up and commented that my hair was gorgeous as it was. Since I hadn’t dyed my hair for over a year, it was all natural and I thanked him for the compliment. We ended up walking around the store and just talking. He told me that he was trying to get custody of his son back from his ex. He had had custody for years and she hadn’t even really been around, but all of sudden she showed up while he was unemployed and the judge turned custody over to her. Unfortunately, he had to take a drug test the next day and he was worried that pot he smoked would show up so he was getting some things that he was told could flush his system. It was a long shot, but he was willing to try anything.

People have this tendency to be very truthful about their life with me. KindI don’t know. I have had complete strangers walk up to me and start telling me about what was going on at their house. One woman told me she didn’t know whether to get her mother a Christmas present or not because she was very ill and might not make it to Christmas. She didn’t want to have to return it or get it so soon that she couldn’t return it. It seems like such a cold way to look at it, but you know, maybe that was the only way she could deal with it that day. When people are going through a horrible situation they can’t control, they tend to look for things they can control. The present was something that she could deal with. Maybe that’s why people talk to me. No judgement.

Anyways, Rick and I went outside. It was super late, like after midnight. I drove my car over to his truck. He was parked on the side that was closed so there were no other cars or people around us as we stood there talking. As things go when attractive people are talking, we started talking about things of a romantic nature. I cannot remember exactly what led up to it. I think he had said something about kissing some girl and maybe I mentioned the last girl I had kissed. I don’t really remember, but as soon as I said it he said, “You’ve been with girls?” and had this look of pure disgust on his face. He looked pissed off about it.

I remember it vividly because I had NEVER had that reaction before. It scared me. I actually glanced around taking quick stock of my options. Where were the closest people? Would they hear me if I scream? If he comes at me, should I try to run or try to get back in my car? What if he hits me? What if he knocks me out? How can I get out of this situation? What should I say?


It’s truly amazing how much thinking you can do in a moment of panic. All of that was thought in the matter of a couple seconds before I decided on a tactic. I went with, “Well, I prefer guys, but I have been in threesomes before.” Not a lie, not the whole truth and it was apparently a good enough answer. He kind of shrugged and said, “I was with two girls once. I didn’t like it. I prefer to just focus on one woman.” I calmed myself a bit and felt like I overreacted, but the fact that I did, that I had to even experience that bothered me.

We finished talking and he wanted to talk again so we friended each other on Facebook. We didn’t really talk after pleasing-othersthat. He disappeared off my friend’s list at some point. Looking back, I don’t think he actually would have hurt me…like at all. I ended up seeing him once after that. He was in the general sessions court the same day Sylar’s dad and I went in for a divorce. Seeing him that day, I highly doubt he got his son back. He was pissing off the judge.

After that experience, I knew that not everyone was as accepting of my sexuality as I had previously thought. I guess since the situation turned out okay I never really changed how open I was. I am probably more open now than I ever have been before. Seeing someone target the LGBTQ+ community was a shocking and terrifying reminder. It is a scary world for people who are openly not-straight and that includes bisexuals (that is what the “B” stands for). A person had snapped at me after the shooting and he apologized saying he had lost a couple friends and that it was a big issue for him because he was gay. I told him I understood and that it was my community, too.

I will still go on being open because one day I fully believe it will no longer matter. That day is not today. That day is not tomorrow. Hell, we’re in 2016 and still having fucking race wars. Someday though…someday equality will happen. I may not be alive to see it, but I have faith that it will happen.


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Rape fantasies

Rape Fantasies – Am I A Psychopath?

Supernatural had it’s season finale this past Wednesday. It’s only been three days, but it seems like a week. I don’t know why. Regardless, I am trying to pull myself out of my Supernatural addiction and watch things that don’t relate to it somehow. I have a Netflix queue a mile long that I should really get to.

On Netflix though, it brought up the “Watch Again” section and in thatKarla Movie section was Karla. This movie is based on the real-life story of Karla Homolka and Paul Bernado, aka “The Ken and Barbie Killers.” The first time I watched it was before I knew of Misha Collins, who played Paul. The movie left me feeling disconcerted due to the attraction to the rapist. Once I went through all of Supernatural and fell in love with Misha it made a lot more sense to me when I realized it had been him in the movie.

How could anyone not be attracted to this man?Misha

I decided watching something with one of my favorite Supernatural actors would be a good way to ease myself back into watching other things. (Don’t scoff!) Watching it this time, I was more cognizant of certain things than I was the first time around. First of all, Misha’s acting was amazing. He nailed all the little aspects of the personality disorder(s) of Paul and portraying lust and excitement while acting out a situation most consider reprehensible. It becomes one of those situations where you actually forget that you are watching an actor, which is both wonderful and terrifying, as well.


This article is not about the movie though. Nor is it about my personal thoughts about the case (I think Karla killed the girls). It is about what many women do not like to talk about – rape fantasies.

I mentioned in the post “‘K’ Is For Kinky” that I consider myself kinky because I wish to be dominated by a man. I’m a natural sub.

“I want to be with a man who can push me against the wall and kiss me until I lose my wits before throwing me down on the bed, tying me up, and torturing me with pleasure until I’m begging for release.”

Studies have shown that more than 90% of women admitted to fantasizing and of that, two-thirds admitted to forced or rape fantasies. It is thought that the percentage could be higher due to some women feeling guilt or shame 248cf61eb24aa9bd51a3b9766f762026about such fantasies and therefore not admitting to them. I will stand as a representative for women who have had the fantasy. Yes, I would fall into the category of having forced/rape fantasies. Under no circumstance does this mean I want to be forced into sex or raped. Often times with women, these fantasies have no basis in real life aside from the fact that it is started with non-consensual sexual activity. More often they just want to experience rough sex.

That is what makes watching something like Karla especially difficult to view. By all accounts, Paul was an attractive man so being played by the gorgeous Misha Collins is an accurate representation in that aspect. Fact set one is: we have an attractive, alpha male, who is incredibly charming, asserting his dominance. Females are biologically programmed to be drawn to dominant men.PaulGifThis is the type of man that would feature in a rape fantasy. Add that you are seeing him engage in rough sex. Sexual fantasies, including rape fantasies, cause arousal so to see this man handcuffing his willing girlfriend and having sex with her or later where she is bound and gagged during sex can be arousing. Based solely on that information, hell yeah, that is this the kind of guy I would like to be with. Note also, the scenes discussed here are with an of age woman. Also, the second scene was a dom and sub situation, a dom punishing his sub for her actions. Many women express a curiosity about dom/sub play in the bedroom.

The Real Paul Bernardo
The Real Paul Bernardo

Then we also have fact set two: this man is kidnapping and raping young girls, causing them immense physical, psychological, and emotional trauma. In this movie, he is also portrayed as physically abusive to his wife. We know those things are wrong and, with the exception of the few, those are generally things that would make a woman cross a man off her potential significant other list.

The existence of the second set of facts makes a woman feel very awkward about the first set. How can I be attracted to that kind of man? Does this make me a horrible person? Am I a psychopath? What would I have done in these situations? Karla was attracted to him. Am I like her?

I was experiencing those thoughts, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. It took a lot of thought to come to this realization that it is all about acknowledging that there are separate aspects of the situation and of the person. Being submissive and catering to a man in a sexual setting is a turn on for me. The rape of young girls is not. Just because they are being done by the same person does not mean you accept both things.

keep-calm-and-hate-coconut-2I like chocolate cake, but I hate coconut. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to see a German Chocolate Cake? They look so delicious! Just like the chocolate cake I love, but I cannot condone the use of coconut in chocolaty treats. See. That is a rational decision. You are capable of being rational and stepping away from something that appears good, but has too much bad in it.

These are completely normal feelings and you are not a psychopath. I mean, you might be. I don’t really know you that well, but these thoughts and feelings alone do not a psychopath make. It is important to understand that biological desires and even desired kinks can be packaged with horrible things. That does not mean you condone the horrible things. Unless, like Karla, you stay anyway and/or encourage the bad behavior.

It’s a war of the brain to accept that you find someone and some of their Reaction-Pic---Run-bitch-runactions exciting/arousing/what have you, but that you do not agree with another set of their actions. When it comes down to real-life, most women when faced with finding out the man they love is a rapist, would turn tail and run straight to the police (which by the way is the right thing to do). Don’t walk. Run.

Don’t be afraid of your fantasies and don’t be ashamed by them. They do not mean there is anything abnormal about you. Fantasies are an escape from rationality; they don’t remove rational reasoning from you. You are still an amazing human being who just happens to have an intriguing imagination and a curiosity about not being in control. I would say that is a healthy curiosity.


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The First Message In Online Dating

My look into online dating for the “OKCupid For the Polyamorous” was eye-opening to say the least and it made me want to hand out some advice for when you first message someone. Most of this is for guys, but anyone can take heed.

Don’t reach out to someone with a message that says any of these below or any variation of them:

  • Hi
  • Hey
  • Hey, what’s up?
  • What’s up, sexy?
  • How you doing, gorgeous?
  • Let’s fuck.

The are a few reasons I say don’t do this. First reason is because there are dozen other guys sending the EXACT SAME SHORT MESSAGE! This means you are not original and not putting forth the effort to grab the other person’s attention. Secondly, while compliments are nice, starting off mentioning something a person wrote in their profile is a much higher compliment than saying “gorgeous” or “sexy.” It shows that you cared enough to read what they had to say. The last one should just be obvious. “Let’s fuck.” Seriously? No. Go fuck yourself.


Do be creative in an initial message. The easiest way to do this is to READ THE PERSON’S PROFILE FIRST! I was very specific in my profile about what I was looking for. VERY specific. The amount of people who contacted me who A) had no idea what poly was, B) wanted to meet me, C) thought me being bi and poly meant I fuck anybody, or D) any combination of A, B, and C was unreal. I would say at least 90% of the people who attempted to contact me did not read my profile.

Read what the other person has to say. You may learn right off that this is not a great match. You could also learn that the person likes caramel apples and you happen to know where to get the best caramel apples in giant-caramel-applesthe world. Tell the other person!

“If you really like caramel apples, you should try the Chocolate Monkey. They have the best and there are so many toppings you can choose from!”

That right there is awesome. If I liked caramel apples, I would talk to the person who sent me that. For the record though, I do not like caramel apples.

Do use proper grammar and spell to the best of your ability. This could have gone under the initial message part, but I felt it needed its own piece.

“Wuz up girl. U is lookin fin! We shud chat!!!!1!”

That is just absurd. You KNOW that is not correct! Writing it now, I can see the squiggly red lines under the misspelled words so I know you can, too, when you write them.

psychoI do give a little in regards to spelling as not everyone everywhere had the same education. Punctuation issues drive me nuts though and there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t decide which is worse though, incorrect punctuation or no punctuation at all.

Lastly, if you make it past all that, for the love of all that is good in this world, PLEASE be capable of talking about something other than sex. Out of all the three people I friended outside of the OKC world, only one of them I still like. (Shoutout to @Oldhound31b!) The other two quickly lost my friendship by pushing for sex talk.

In conclusion, learn about a person, be creative when you message them, use proper punctuation, spelling, and grammar, and have go-to-topics that don’t involve sex.

May the odds be ever in your favor.


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OKCupid For the Polyamorous

OKCupid was a big topic recently due tookcupid-polyamorous-relationships allowing polyamorous partners to link their profiles (unfortunately to only one other partner, but it’s a start) which, while not making poly dating easier, it at least allows a level of transparency.

I was curious about this and since I don’t have many poly friends I decided to see how OKCupid would be for finding like-minded people.

Being a single, moderately attractive woman, I have received a ridiculous amount of visits, likes, and replies. If nothing else, it’s good for my ego. Horrible for my time-management skills. I have a lot to do during the day and just replying to people was taking up a huge chunk of my day.

I specifically put in my profile that I was looking for online friends only, that were either poly or had an interest in one of the fandoms I enjoy. A lot of non-poly men messaged me. Ninety percent of them had no interest in the fandoms and wanted to meet me in person. This in general really soured me on the site and all dating sites in general. And then there was this guy:



I did meet a few cool people. Some were poly. Some were into fandoms. I think there was only one that was both. I met a few unicorn hunters (straight man and bi woman couple looking for a single bi woman) and they were all nice. I asked them how they felt about finding other people on OKC and they all said it was not easy. More often than not, it was a bust. This contrasted with a single poly man who said it was easy. However, after talking to him more I got the feeling that he was using “poly” to mean “fucking random people” so I’m not sure how much credit I give him.

While OKCupid got a lot of hype for being a great place for poly dating, I have to disagree. I think contacting a local group would be far easier as people in the group generally understand what poly is and isn’t.

Have you used OKCupid? What was your experience?

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Coming Out As Bisexual

Awesome SexualI happened across a video on YouTube of a girl who was telling her story about coming out as bi. As she prefaced the video with what she planned on talking about she was becoming emotional. Listening to her story, I understood a bit. I checked out some other videos of people telling their “coming out as bi” stories and it always seemed to be this big emotional thing.

This made me wonder if I came out “wrong” somehow. It was never this life-changing realization and I was never scared or especially worried about how anyone would react. It wasn’t super emotional. Well, not for me anyway.

I had thought about making a video of my own, but after watching so many I decided my coming out was not something that should be viewed in the same kind of light. The other stories involve staying strong. Mine just involves talking like it was any other subject.

I mentioned Molly and Mark in other posts. They were the couple that inadvertently made meUnicorn-Pride! realize I was bi and then introduced me to polyamory. They were technically the first people to know and it wasn’t really a coming out situation. My interest in even meeting them and me mentioning an interest in bisexuality was enough to make it so. Hence us becoming a triad. I was going to have to come out as both bi and poly at the same time.

Yep, I’m a fricking unicorn. ————————————>

I knew I was going to have to tell my mom, but it wasn’t anything I stressed over. She had always said, “If you were gay I would still love you, but I’m really glad you’re not.” I did expect her to be upset and tell me I was going to hell, but I was just really at peace with myself and knew that wouldn’t bother me. In way of telling her, I explained Molly and Mark and the type of relationship they were looking for with me. My mom laughed and said, “Well, I guess that’s too bad for them then, huh?” That’s when I said, “Actually, I agreed to it.”

a05588adda18a844c6bb22e05af05a7eShe looked a little upset. I could see her mind trying to make sense of what I had just said. Finally, she said, “So you’re…?” I answered, “Yes, I’m bi.” At this point, she seemed amused though I knew it was just a facade. I believe she was hoping I was playing a joke on her or that what I was doing was just a phase I would grow out of. But she never yelled about it, never talked down to me, and was happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell her.

The man who fathered me is not in my life so no issues there. Next was my best friend. She absolutely cracked me up. I explained the situation between myself, Molly, and Mark and she sat there staring at me blankly the whole time. When I finished, she continued to stare at me for a moment and then goes, “Anyway, I ended up talking to…” and she just went on with her story. I smiled and turned back to some papers I had been working on when she walked in. That was all there was to it.

Telling people at work was the only thing that made me nervous. Simply because I didn’t know how many would take it. My brilliant way of doing so was just to act like it was not a big deal. I brought Mark, Molly, and the kids to my place of employment and when asked who they were, I simply said, “Girlfriend, boyfriend, children,” while pointing at each respectively. There were multiple people standing there when I said it and the person who had asked assumed I meant they were dating and the kids were theirs. Others caught on and asked me about it later and I answered truthfully. The fact that I answered honestly kind of surprised them, but I think the fact that it was a poly relationship was more interesting than the fact that I was bi.BadAss

My mom told my Grandparents which I wished she wouldn’t have. There was no reason in my mind for them to know. They were very old-fashioned. However, mom didn’t want them to find out some other way (yes, because all my friends regularly talk to my grandparents who lived three states away {rolling eyes}). The first time I visited after that was after Molly, Mark, and I had broken up and I completely forgot that mom had mentioned it. So my Grandma asked, “So Crystal, do you have a boyfriend?” It was a standard question and I replied with a “nope.” She then got this really haughty, annoyed look on her face and said, “A girlfriend?” I was so surprised that she asked and I just started laughing as I said no and she responded with a huffy, “Well, I didn’t know.” It was amusing and oddly enough one of my favorite memories of my Grandma. It was nice to know she accepted me.

After that, it was just a change of my Myspace sexuality (yep, this was way back then) and then it was just a part of who I am. For me, telling someone I am bi is no different than telling them I have red hair, that I’m a dog-person, or that I’m a huge Supernatural and Arrow fan. It’s just me.

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“K” Is For Kinky

Let’s get kinky! I have been posting a lot of pretty heavy stuff lately, but that’s just stuff that has been on my mind that needed to be said. Today, I am finally going to talk about the “K” of BPK – Kinky.ChokeMe

Now, kinky is a very subjective word. The actual definition says:

involving or given to unusual sexual behavior

But what qualifies as “unusual sexual behavior?” Ask ten people what they consider kinky and you could likely get ten different answers. On top of that, it’s a spectrum which is also subjective. Maybe you think spanking is not okay, but choking is. However, I am going to talk a bit about a few of the reasons I consider myself kinky and how that affects any relationship I may end up in. Hopefully, it may help you consider some things and learn a bit about yourself.

I do not consider myself kinky because I am bi or poly. You can be either of those things without being kinky. I think being bi or poly might allow a person to be more open to new things, but that is certainly not a rule.

Kinky-Quote1A reason I feel that I am a kinky person is due to my desire to be dominated. I want to be with a man who can push me against the wall and kiss me until I lose my wits before throwing me down on the bed, tying me up, and torturing me with pleasure until I’m begging for release. The movies would lead us to believe that is easy to find, but they are wrong.

However, I am perfectly willing and capable to play the dom myself even though I prefer it the other way around. A little light bondage seems like it would be extremely fun. I have yet to be in a relationship with someone who 1) is willing kinky-quoteto try and 2) who I trust enough so I can only assume. There are other aspects, but honestly, I don’t feel like putting my kinks out there for the whole world. I am also not shy, being a bit of an exhibitionist and probably a bit of a voyeur, too, but in the “it’s okay to look” kind of way, not the “it’s creepy because you don’t have consent” kind of way.

When it comes to kinky affecting the relationship, it actually does and doesn’t. In a new potential relationship, I would want them to know up front that I am kinky and would prefer someone who is willing to push some standard boundaries with me. If so, great! If not, great! We didn’t waste each other’s time.

I was dating a guy who I stupidly assumed was as kinky as me. The first time I put us in a kinky situation was a disaster. I basically had myself served up for his pleasure, but he was not dominant, at all. He seemed really uncomfortable and that made the experience really unpleasant for me. He just stood there like:


It was like he completely forgot what he was supposed to do with a naked female. Thinking back on it, I should have just ended that then and there…yeah, definitely should have done that.

However, if I was in a relationship and there was something I wanted to try that the other person didn’t that is different. If they’re kinky, but just not interested in whatever it was then that is acceptable. Everyone has their limits and some limits are softer than others.

Kink to me is about having a trusting connection with your partner that allows you to try new sexual experiences that can bring you to a new plane of sexual pleasure. What is kink to you?

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No Dating

Dating Is Not For Me (For Now)

In a bit of a paradox, I have zero desire to date. A lot of people have this misconception that just because a person is bi, poly, kinky then they must be chasing people left and right and having weird sex every night. That is not true though. Some BPK people are in committed relationships and not necessarily having more sex than the average person. My reasons for not dating though are specific to me and my situation.

I was married in October of 2010. I have read journal entries from the time I first met the man I married and I was very much in love. When we started trying to get pregnant, he completely became a different person. I can see this now. He had a porn addiction, choosing that over his wife. I experienced gaslighting. For those that aren’t familiar with the term, it’s when one person manipulates another psychologically into questioning their own sanity. To learn more about gaslighting check out “Gaslighting As A Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why” from


I lost all my self-confidence and became extremely depressed. I felt I was an extremely ugly person because of the rejection from my husband. He blamed me when I got upset and said it was all in my head.

My son was born and I experienced post-natal post traumatic postpartumPTSDsurvivorstress disorder. This kept me from being able to bond with my son properly. I felt like a horrible mother. I avoided having to care for my child alone. I did finally learn that avoiding reminders of the traumatic experience is a very common symptom of PTSD. I tried to tell people what I was experiencing, but I was talked down to and told to suck it up because it’s all part of being a mom. (It’s not.)

This all finally boiled down to the day that I decided to end my life. I was taken to the hospital, handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser. I had to sit in a room with no stimulants and I was there for hours, alone, bored. I began to wonder if I had actually succeeded in killing myself and was experiencing purgatory. That was the beginning of my climb back out.

My husband and I split. I had setbacks where I would suddenly believe I needed him, but once he moved out of the house my life got exponentially better.

I ended up meeting another guy who seemed like an awesome guy. He was Christian, a father, and really fun. My mind told me not to trust him because men lie and my ex was a great example. My heart, however, said that I couldn’t live like a scared little girl all my life and maybe miss out on this great experience. I opted to trust him.

In the end, I found out he was a master manipulator, like to a level I have never seen before. I think he got off on playing people off each other and watching the chaos he could create. It was absurd.

And it broke me.

That was when I decided not to date. I couldn’t then imagine being able to trust another person with that much of Explains My Lifemyself ever again. My heart was in complete agreement with my brain for once. “Forever alone” meme was me and I was perfectly happy with that because I knew I would always be safe.

I’ve grown a lot since then and healed some. I don’t completely avoid the idea of dating now, but I don’t go around searching for someone. If I happen to meet someone through chance though, I wouldn’t dismiss them out of hand. I know any relationship I end up in, it will take a long time before I allow my emotions to be part of it. That may be a deal-breaker for some and I am at peace with that. Can’t expect a person to understand what makes me uncomfortable and then ignore their feelings.

Dating is not necessary for life. Sex is not necessary for life…it does make life more enjoyable, but we won’t die without it. I don’t need someone elsBlowYoue to make me happy. I have been working on myself and taking care of my boy. These have brought me immense happiness and in turn that will make me a better partner when I finally meet Misha Collins a person who is as of yet unknown to me, but who plays an angel on TV is poly, kinda nerdy, and awesome.

I do have a takeaway from this. If you are depressed, please tell someone! If you are experiencing post-partum depression and/or post partum PTSD, please tell someone! If you end up in a position like I did where the people you tell do not believe you, tell someone else, and then someone else endlessly until you find someone who understands, believes you, and will help you.

I will absolutely be that person for anyone who needs someone or who doesn’t want to go to their family or friends. Sometimes it’s easier to talk with a stranger who does not have pre-conceived notions about you or your life. I will help you get help. Leave a comment or message me on Facebook. You are not alone. You are loved. You are worth saving.


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Bi-Erasure Is Infuriating

Recently, I learned about bi-erasure. This came from two things happening that left me dumbfounded. AskABiGuyI will start with the second thing first. I stumbled upon a series of YouTube videos by an incredibly gorgeous man named RJ. His YouTube channel is TheNotAdam and I highly suggest you check it out and watch all his videos and give him lots of love.

Anyways, he has a video series called “Ask A Bi Guy.” Through this series I learned some new things, such as that the gay community tends to not be accepting of bi people. This was shocking information for me. Of course, it occurred to me that the only lesbians I knew were before I knew I was bi. Since coming out, I can’t recall any time where I met a lesbian. I have known gay men though and they have always been super awesome to me. However, I was hearing that it was generally same sex hate, that some lesbians were rude to bisexual women and some gay men were rude to bisexual men. The feeling is that bi people are just straddling the fence and our sexuality is somehow invalidating their gayness or the gay communities progress.

This was incredibly disappointing to me. I mean, it’s supposed to be the LGBTQ+ community. Do they leave out the “B” when they talk about it? I completely support all sexual orientations and want equality for all of them.

Then I remembered that I did see an example of that kind of intolerance, this bi-erasure, just recently. I watch Dancing With The Stars. I think it’s absolutely amazing, so much fun, and I just love it. This year, one of the Nyle Dimarco1celebrities they have dancing is Nyle Dimarco. If you haven’t heard of him, he is just about the hottest thing to walk this earth. He won America’s Next Top Model, acted in Switched At Birth, and is absolutely killing it on DWTS. Oh, and he’s deaf. Nyle Dimarco

He is so ridiculously good looking that I became curious about whether my lust was being wasted or not, so I googled to find out if he had said anything about his sexuality. As it turned out, he had. When asked whether he liked boys or girls, he responded with “Fluid.” Sexually fluid means that attraction to any one gender or identity is based upon many variables and can change as the variables do.

It was the comments that blew my mind though. There were people, and one person in particular who identified as a gay male, who were saying that he was lying, queer-baiting, that he would eventually choose which gender he actually liked, and then just deciding that he was straight.

This was my first experience with bi-erasure and I became livid! I took their comments personally. I like both men and women. Saying that I have to choose one is like saying you have to choose between sausages and tacos. Can’t you like them both? I would never presume to force someone to choose one or the other for the rest of their life.

It made me go to Facebook and type out a message that I want the world to hear and understand:

You NEVER EVER have the right to negate someone else’s sexuality! You sure as hell do not have the right to DECIDE someone else’s sexuality for them. All sexual orientations are valid.

Bi-erasure is not. End of story.


Click here to see my FB post.

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