Tumblr had spent yesterday being taken over by GISHWHES and it was massively fun! However, after the shooting in Orlando they decided to end what they were doing. Instead, they asked people to use the #givelovetoday to nominate someone who has made a difference in their life and they will choose among the stories and the person nominated will get a prize. I think that is an awesome idea! Of course, the person you nominated had to be on Tumblr, as well. Since I don’t really know anyone on Tumblr, I didn’t bother. I read a few of the other stories and was quite moved by the connections these people have.
It got me to thinking. Who did I have that has profoundly affected my life? Who has saved me from the brink? Now, I have some wonderful friends and family who I have extreme appreciation for. But when it came down to it, there is only one major time in my life in when I needed saving. It was when I was depressed during my pregnancy and then dealing with postpartum depression and postnatal PTSD. I needed someone to listen. I needed someone to understand. I needed someone to help me. Instead, I was told I was making excuses, that I was lazy, and a bad mother.
I had started cutting. I was literally crying and screaming that I was going to kill myself. It made no difference. I was “just being dramatic.” That was the day I gave up. I made the plans to end my life. That at least got a reaction and that was when I was taken to the hospital by the police. Afterwards, no one really knew what to do with me. Everyone withdrew. I was no longer being attacked, but I had no support either. I was spoken to when I had to be.
I knew I didn’t really want to die. So…I chose to pick my damn self up. There is nothing harder in this world then trying to escape depression without a support system. It’s like climbing a rock wall where the next hand and foothold are really far away. The lack of others kicking me back down helped though. It was a very long road, with back sliding, and I have so many issues because of it.
I realized that when being asked who helped me. I have anxiety. I don’t like making meaningful connections. I don’t trust people. I trust me. Because I am always there for me and I keep getting stronger.
And that’s okay. What I did was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am so thankful that I did. My life is in an amazing place now. I am generally happy and I am getting healthier by the day.
So I #GiveLoveToday to me. Not because I am being selfish, but because I deserve to love myself. And so do all of you! I want to remind anyone who needs to hear it, that if you need someone to talk to, if you need support, contact me! I will be that for you. I will help you. You are not alone.