In a bit of a paradox, I have zero desire to date. A lot of people have this misconception that just because a person is bi, poly, kinky then they must be chasing people left and right and having weird sex every night. That is not true though. Some BPK people are in committed relationships and not necessarily having more sex than the average person. My reasons for not dating though are specific to me and my situation.
I was married in October of 2010. I have read journal entries from the time I first met the man I married and I was very much in love. When we started trying to get pregnant, he completely became a different person. I can see this now. He had a porn addiction, choosing that over his wife. I experienced gaslighting. For those that aren’t familiar with the term, it’s when one person manipulates another psychologically into questioning their own sanity. To learn more about gaslighting check out “Gaslighting As A Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why” from CounsellingResource.com.
I lost all my self-confidence and became extremely depressed. I felt I was an extremely ugly person because of the rejection from my husband. He blamed me when I got upset and said it was all in my head.
My son was born and I experienced post-natal post traumatic stress disorder. This kept me from being able to bond with my son properly. I felt like a horrible mother. I avoided having to care for my child alone. I did finally learn that avoiding reminders of the traumatic experience is a very common symptom of PTSD. I tried to tell people what I was experiencing, but I was talked down to and told to suck it up because it’s all part of being a mom. (It’s not.)
This all finally boiled down to the day that I decided to end my life. I was taken to the hospital, handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser. I had to sit in a room with no stimulants and I was there for hours, alone, bored. I began to wonder if I had actually succeeded in killing myself and was experiencing purgatory. That was the beginning of my climb back out.
My husband and I split. I had setbacks where I would suddenly believe I needed him, but once he moved out of the house my life got exponentially better.
I ended up meeting another guy who seemed like an awesome guy. He was Christian, a father, and really fun. My mind told me not to trust him because men lie and my ex was a great example. My heart, however, said that I couldn’t live like a scared little girl all my life and maybe miss out on this great experience. I opted to trust him.
In the end, I found out he was a master manipulator, like to a level I have never seen before. I think he got off on playing people off each other and watching the chaos he could create. It was absurd.
And it broke me.
That was when I decided not to date. I couldn’t then imagine being able to trust another person with that much of myself ever again. My heart was in complete agreement with my brain for once. “Forever alone” meme was me and I was perfectly happy with that because I knew I would always be safe.
I’ve grown a lot since then and healed some. I don’t completely avoid the idea of dating now, but I don’t go around searching for someone. If I happen to meet someone through chance though, I wouldn’t dismiss them out of hand. I know any relationship I end up in, it will take a long time before I allow my emotions to be part of it. That may be a deal-breaker for some and I am at peace with that. Can’t expect a person to understand what makes me uncomfortable and then ignore their feelings.
Dating is not necessary for life. Sex is not necessary for life…it does make life more enjoyable, but we won’t die without it. I don’t need someone else to make me happy. I have been working on myself and taking care of my boy. These have brought me immense happiness and in turn that will make me a better partner when I finally meet
Misha Collins a person who is as of yet unknown to me, but who plays an angel on TV is poly, kinda nerdy, and awesome.
I do have a takeaway from this. If you are depressed, please tell someone! If you are experiencing post-partum depression and/or post partum PTSD, please tell someone! If you end up in a position like I did where the people you tell do not believe you, tell someone else, and then someone else endlessly until you find someone who understands, believes you, and will help you.
I will absolutely be that person for anyone who needs someone or who doesn’t want to go to their family or friends. Sometimes it’s easier to talk with a stranger who does not have pre-conceived notions about you or your life. I will help you get help. Leave a comment or message me on Facebook. You are not alone. You are loved. You are worth saving.