Have you ever been minding your own business when all of a sudden a huge self-truth hits you? This happened to me yesterday and it has caused me to have a lot of questions, confusing thoughts, and to do lots of research.
Let me start with a few bits of back story that leads up to this realization.
Bit 1 – I mentioned in “K Is For Kinky” that I prefer a dominant man and in “Rape Fantasies – Am I A Psychopath?” I referred to myself as a natural submissive. I referred to myself as such since I do not partake of the BDSM lifestyle. My submissive quality is simply something that is in me, not something I wanted to form into a lifestyle.
Bit 2 – For people who know me, there is a man whom I absolutely idolize. He’s a business icon and runs his world very well. Considering my appreciation for a man in power, it was no surprise that my adoration of his talents and business prowess grew to attraction.
Bit 2.1 – Through a suggestion from a friend to watch a particular television program, I was exposed to another savvy businessman. His talent and intelligence were enjoyable attributes, but I wouldn’t have said that I found him attractive at that point. Apparently, I didn’t know myself very well because my subconscious provided me with a highly-detailed and extremely erotic dream starring that man. I woke up surprised to say the least. This is a man that is twenty-four years my senior, but it didn’t matter. If anything, that gap just seemed to add to the idea of him as an authority figure for me to obey. That nighttime dream led to many a daytime fantasy that always led to me asking, nay, begging him to make me his.
So all that happened and then yesterday, for completely unrelated reasons, I wanted to change my Twitter profile header to something a bit more on the naughty side. I had a few dirty quote pics on my comp, but none fit well in the space, nor portrayed what I wanted. Naturally, I turned to Google Images to find what I wanted. I went through a multitude of searches, saving various things I liked, not necessarily for my Twitter header, just things I liked in general. After a bit of this, I went through some of the things I had saved. One particular picture spoke to me.
In my mind (perhaps because my thoughts as of late had been along that line), this seemed to be a Dom with his sub. I liked the fact that it was black and white. For some reason black and white pics can make naughty things seem very elegant.
In my continuing search for a header, I Googled “black and white image bdsm.” This led to some absolutely exquisite pictures (see above), but also a lot of information. That were a lot of quote images that came up, explaining the Dom/sub relationship. A lot of it were things that I kind of knew, but until that moment I never really connected with it.
Through that whole process, I realized that was what I wanted. I could feel it like a pull inside of me and it was both exciting and terrifying all at once. Thinking about it as a possibility made my stomach do flip-flops. I couldn’t understand at what point I went from feeling like a natural submissive to wanting to be the girl kneeling on the floor and giving everything of myself to make a man happy. After a day of thought and research, I think I know why it is something that I desire and the only relationship I can imagine myself in now.
If you read “Dating Is Not For Me (For Now)”, you know that I have major issues with trust. I have been lied to, lied about, gaslighted, manipulated, and used. The last situation…I can think back on it now and see that my actions towards the end of that were actions of desperation, but not to be with that man. I just desperately didn’t want it to be proven that I once again had put my trust in someone I shouldn’t have. I had battled with myself over trusting him to begin with, but then I went ahead and did it. When I finally realized that I had been wrong about the kind of man that he was, I was devastated. Again, not because I wanted to be with him that badly, but because I lost all ability to trust. I have not been able to even consider having a relationship since because of that.
It makes my desire to be a sub seem a little oxymoronic. The number one thing needed for that type or relationship to work is the sub’s complete and unwavering trust in the Dom. How do I get there if I cannot trust? Getting to that is not the point though. Just the idea that there could be a relationship where the trust is absolute, where the sub knows the Dom will never hurt her (more than she likes), will protect her, make her feel safe, make her feel wanted, adore her, cherish her…and the sub can just relax into that without worry. For someone who cannot trust, of course the idea of a relationship centered around trust and that trust constantly being proven in every action and interaction would be an absolute miracle! To just give yourself over without fear…it must be amazing and incredibly freeing.
As psychology has shown numerous times, woman who grow up without good father figures tend to like to find surrogates in their adult life. This is not true of all people; it’s just a commonality they have found. In my childhood, I had a shitty father figures. My biological dad got remarried and his new wife was irrationally worried that he would want to get back with my mom if they were in the same room together. My mom divorced him because he molested his parent’s foster child. They got along for my sake, but reconciliation was never going to happen. He chose to keep his new wife happy though at the price of never seeing his own daughter again. My mom’s second husband ended up molesting me. So, yeah, I never had that man in my life who was always there for me, showing me how a woman should be treated, threatening the boys who wanted to take me out. I am envious of the girls who had that. I am not surprised if psychology is right on with me and I’m trying to find that male authority figure to care about me, to choose me, to promise my safety.
Now I know what I want and I know why I want it. I am not saying this will be what I want for eternity. After all, this was a self-discovery and there could be others in the future, but I am confident in that desire. I am not ashamed of it though I know others may find it odd. Everyone has their own limits. I am still not going to go out and actively look for another person. However, if one stumbles into my life I will be able to react accordingly. Until that point though, the creativity of my imagination is second to none so I can have a plethora of fantasies about being a sub to the businessmen I am so fond of. 😉
Below, enjoy a smattering of some of the pics I came across and loved.